Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Tired and Sore

Last night I worked out at RPM / Spin class for the first time in ages. It was hard.
This morning I got up early and weighed myself and I've gained, then I took the dogs to the park and made myself powerwalk continuously up and down a hill as an incline. That was hard.
After work today I went to personal training and did a boxing session. That was hardest.

I hope I can keep working out and keep motivated. I'm seeing results but weight gains are so disheartening. And I'm really starting to hate food. Clean eating CAN be delicious, but it can also be really hard. I'm already a really fussy eater, I am not vegan or vegetarian but I'm fussy. I'm a fussytarian.

I eat meat but for example, if I cook chicken too long and it's a bit dry it scares me, if I cook chicken a little under and it's juicy I freak out. I hate lamb, I only eat fish from restaurants and rarely from a box, beef is my favourite meat but then again chicken and fish are best for you. I only eat Turkey if it's shaved deli turkey for sandwiches. I find all meats are really easy to eat when disguised in rice, pasta or mash, so eating clean is getting a bit tricky.

Tonight I tried to make a creamy chicken dish (using low fat / low sugar / low card philly cheese) I put chicken, bacon, mushrooms with peas and broccoli in the sauce and cooked it all. Tallboy loved it, I hated it. I know that if I had had that meal with mash I would have eaten all of it. I really need to try and change my freak outs, but I am totes unenthused by food at the moment.

I did however find out that protein pancakes really taste amazing, so I had those for dinner.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better food day.

Monday, 28 May 2012

What a day.

What a busy busy day. Glad to be home.
I got up super early this morning to beat the traffic to go to one of our Depots to sit in on an interview.
It was really good to be able to go to the Depot and see what questions are important to the manager for the particular role.
Then I headed back to head office for the rest of my work day, got a fair bit done but still have a lot of loose ends to tie up.

I felt quite sick today, I definitely didn't eat enough, so I need to really start getting back on track and eat more, I'm just so over food lately, I get freaked out by meat sometimes, then I don't like the meals i've made, I don't really like breakfast and when there isn't anything I can eat I just sulk.
My cuppa soup packets were life savers today. (Tomorrow i have a field mushroom with ham and spinach for lunch, I'm so excited about it, it's so lame but I'm really looking forward to it. )

Anyway, after work Tallboy and I went to spin class at the gym, I was miserable walking in and during the work out but once it was done and I had burnt 396 Calories I felt pretty amazing. Got to love Endorphins.
Came home, made dinner (Steak, avocado, mushroom and spinach) and relaxed.
I'm going to try and get up early tomorrow to go walking / jogging with the dogs.

I've decided my blog needs more pictures. So here are some that I like -

Apparently an authentic photo of Marilyn Munroe back in the day. I've never seen it before and I love it. I think it's beautiful. I would love to have a picture of this in my home.

Happy Pandas, happy pandas make me lol

Ugh, I die. I love these girls. Fashion envy. Face Envy. Hair Envy. 

Sunday, 27 May 2012

My body hates me

So after a night of binge drinking and then eating some bad food today my body is royal effed up. My poor body. Have struggled epicly today since getting back from Memmas and I still feel like im in for a very long, uncomfortable night. I think it does go to show that eating healthy is the right thing to do and when you eat bad your body will react badly to it.

My main concern is that i'm not going to be able to maintain any weightloss. I've been up and down on the scales all year and I'm finally getting progress again, I'm just so worried about falling off track and going back to binge eating. I've wanted to eat so much bad food today and I did have one solid bad meal today but I haven't wanted to stop.

I think i'm going to have to force myself to be active on weekends because I really can't behave myself on lazy days - well I can at the moment because we have nothing but healthy food in the house, but in future I have to ensure that I maintain that as well. It's going to be really hard to keep this up.

Tallboy and I are doing spin tomorrow night then tuesday I have my personal trainer so hopefully I can get back on track to fitness and finally reach my weight goal and get to where I need to be.

It doesn't help that I love cooking shows and as Masterchef is back on it's really hard, especially tonight when they made biscuits. Biscuits, like I don't even eat them much, (the occasional subway cookie) I've never made them as an adult and rarely as a child and now all of a sudden I'm like 'Making biscuits would be awesome (chewy anzac ones!!)' gahhhh No, I'm not going to do that, but these shows put deliciously fattening ideas in my head. ugh.

I think I'm going to make a fresh bed up and go to sleep. Long week ahead but then I think next weekend is a long weekend so if it is that makes me happy. :)

Sunday Funday

Ugh, oh so seedy! What a weekend.

Yesterday I went to a closing down sale with Memma, it had some really nice dresses but I am currently struggling with savings and bills so I bought two from the money I got from selling things on Ebay but that's all that I could permit myself to get. They're really pretty. One is casual and one is for going out, i'm so in love with it. They were only $30 each.

Then I went home and cleaned up and did some general house work. The house looks so nice again, love love love it when it's cleannnnn :) so nice. Then I went and picked up Memma and we went to my workmum and workdads for a bbq. It started at 1pm and Memma and I got a little bit ahead of ourselves with the drinks, next thing we know it was close to about 7pm.

I had planned for Memma and I to go to Twinners hubbys' bday party, we were supposed to be picked up by Tallboy but when I called him he'd changed his plans and was out with his brother. So we kept trying to figure out other ways to get to our next destination, no one else at the bbq was fit to drive, we called a taxi at 9ish and then it still hadn't arrived by 10, what a mission. Somewhere in between there shots were had and crazy dancing had started, next thing we know Ball of Loves Hubby drove us (naughty) to my house so I could look after Memma, then we fell asleep on the coach and Tallyboy came home at 11.30 and woke us up to take Memma home.

The bbq was really really fun, but I really wanted to go to Twinners, so that was a bit of a shame. Hopefully I can catch up with her and Partner really soon.

Today I am struggling pretty badly. I went to Memma's this morning to make sure she was alive and hadn't drowned in a bath - She was alive. YAY!!! Then I fell asleep on her couch.

I just got home and am so tired. I have to re-submit tafe work, but I'd rather binge eat and nap. I haven't been good with food today. I'll try to eat a bit better - not like I have any bad food in the house anyway.

gotta gett back into working out hard tomorrow night.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Good try

So I made it 16 / 17 days without carbs (bread, pasta, rice etc) and with limited processed sugars (with exception to the maccas ice cream cone and 3 pieces of chocolates) I was only 4 days off the '21 Days makes a habit' rule! So hopefully I can still make this a lifestyle change.

Tonight, after a brain melting day at work, I went to Subiaco with Tallboy, Brother from another Mother and Cherub. We went to Jus Burgers for dinner. It was SO delicious, after I ordered I actually saw that they had 'no bun' options, oops. I went in saying that I wasn't going to have any carbs, but then when I got there I really wanted a little bit, I ended up getting a kids burger with a side salad (burger the size of my palm) and also some slaw. It was amazing. I only ate half the bun and had about 4 tablespoons of the slaw (which was definitely extremely fattening - but amazing) and I had 3 chips. Honestly, I do feel bad about it, but I'm also staying positive because I feel like I can actually have a little bit of the bad things and then stop. I used to keep going, but I'm teaching myself to control what I actually need compared to every edible thing that I want.

After the amazing dinner we went to watch Dave Strassman. He was excellent, my favourite part was when he actually messed up and laughed a few times, I like the unrehearsed things. It was all pretty entertaining though. Got to love Ted. E. Bare. <3

It was really nice to do something different on a Friday night.

I have a busy weekend, bbq tomorrow, party tomorrow night, resubmit tafe on sunday, sleep, make dinners and then on Monday I have to get up super early to go into one of our Depots to sit in on an interview which I'm actually looking forward to, just not getting up super early to beat traffic and get there in time. Boo Traffic, Boo.

yay weekend!

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Cravings are a bitch

Cravings are an absolute bitch! Day 12 of no sugar or carbs and I am craving everything sweet under the sun. Right now I would kill for a chocolate sunday and some new cadbury chocolate. It's really getting to me, food should not control your thoughts as much as it consumes mine, it's as if i'm an anorexic without actually being able to stop myself from eating. I'm forever thinking about food, I love cooking shows, it's shocking.

I NEED THIS IN AND AROUND MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goddddddddd.
Popping chocolate and candy / jellybean chocolate. Ugh need, need, need, need, NEEEEEEEEDDDDDD.

This would also be really super right now

In other news of cravings, i'm craving a tattoo soo bad. 

Nice Lazy Weekend

I've had such a nice weekend. Friday night I just chilled out and finished my second unit of TAFE. It was good to finish it. Hopefully I pass without too many dramas.

Yesterday I went shopping with Meema, I bought some very cheap basic tops for winter and just going out somewhere very casual and I also bought a dress that would be good for a family dinner / party or a work thing. I still ensure that I try everything on before buying it and it has to be something that i'll pair up to wear with other items or accessories. I sold a lot of items on ebay but I have to give half of it to bills which sucks. Hopefully I can try and build up a tiny bit of savings. I'm so poor.

Then after that I made some healthy lunches for the week. Then I went to Ball of loves house and had some wine and watched a movie and hung out with our other friend, it was a nice way to spend the night.

This morning I caught up with Lovechild for breakfast, it was so much fun. It was good to catch up with her before her next swing at work and it's good to see her coming back from a holiday so happy and refreshed.

I'm just having a chilled day at the moment.

I'm fighting the urge for a new tattoo so badly. Maybe after I lose a few more kg I can finally get the one I want. Hurry up weightloss.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Evil Strikes again

So the 'Eating Clean' Migrane has stuck again, I feel extremely unwell have a massive headache again and I feel nauseous, I could cry. It's shocking. I read that it takes 21 days to make a habit out of something, I have 13 more days. I can push through this. I guess it's good that my headaches are setting in at night time so I can just try and sleep them off.

I have a course in Perth tomorrow. I'm going to get lost and cry. Awesome day ahead of me! Wooo! haha.

Can't wait for the weekend to just finish my 2nd TAFE Unit and catch up on a few things.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012


Yay! I love food. So I'm probably going to be doing a few food posts in the future, mainly trying to stick to good eating.

Things i'm going to attempt to cook in the near future (I'll take some photos) -

  • Fried / Baked Field Mushrooms, with fried Ham, fresh spinach, cottage cheese and salt and pepper! :) Yum!
  • Chicken Pesto Salad
  • Chicken Fajitas with salad
  • Ham and Leek Quiche

Keep it clean people…ugh haha i'll keep trying to making up creative ways to eat yum food.

Eating Cleannnnnn

I'm really surprised at how well i've been doing with my clean eating, i've been doing really really well. The down side apart from constantly battling my willpower, are the headaches. I had a horrible one last night, it was so bad that I felt sick and I had to go to bed. Tonight I've got one again, I've had it since about 3.30pm I think it's sugar withdrawals, it would have to be. I'm sticking to it though, I'm making a good change.

Last night I went out with Mr Tallboy, my D-I-L, M-I-L and B-I-L for a belated Mothers Day dinner. It was really nice, I had fish and salad. It was a bit scary because it was a fish I don't usually have but it was nice enough. Then they all came back to our house for a bit and hung out. It was really nice.

Tonight I went to Dinner with Meema my lovely Double Trouble. Ugh I luff that girl, she's just such a good friend. I can't believe how well we get on and how funny we think each other are. Yay blissful losers haha. Even at Dinner I was good again, had the chicken salad it was delicious.

I'm really happy to be home and relaxing, easing back into work has been full on but I was really happy with how much I got done today. I'm excited to get back on track and fully into everything tomorrow.

Sunday, 13 May 2012


That was a let down! Today Twinner and I went to the 'You Look Good' Market event to sell all of our new and pre-loved clothing.

There were about 30 stalls full of gorgeous clothing and designer labels everyone was eager to sell up big… unfortunately our target market didn't turn up.
We had a lot of older people attend and a lot of the general public that weren't particularly interested in fashion items or the labels we had.

It was a good experience but it was disappointing. After 4 Hours Twinner only made a profit of $4 (and her clothes are gorgeous and were extremely reasonably priced) I made a profit of about $80 but that's mainly due to selling half of the birdcages I used for our wedding centrepieces. We headed home early a little disheartened but I decided that the amount of 'Clothes Hoarding' that I had allowed myself to do was despicable. I made myself photograph every item and log it on eBay in a quickfire 3 day auction. I want all of it gone so I can start fresh. I will end up losing money but I need to teach myself a lesson.

I have set myself new fashion rules for when I do eventually re-stock my wardrobe. I now only have about 3 tops, 6 dresses and some basic items. Good enough.


  • I need to try on EVERYTHING if I want a new item. I am no longer allowed to buy 'off the rack' classic mistake that I would always make.
  • I have to envision the item that I choose in at least 3 other outfits so I can ensure that it is a practical purchase.
  • I need to focus a bit more on accessories to ensure that I can jazz up old outfits.
  • I will return items if I try them on again at home and do not love them. I will return them for Cash not other items. 
  • I will limit internet shopping or read the terms of purchase thoroughly so If I do purchase the item, I can return it. 
I'll update in a few days to state how many items of the 45 on Ebay sold, and what sort of money was made. 

fingers crossed. 

Saturday, 12 May 2012

You Look Good

You Look Good is an event being held tomorrow for people to sell their new and pre-loved clothing. I am so excited to be participating it in. I'm (until recently) a terrible shopper buying things online and in store without trying them on and imagining them to look fantastic on me, when in fact they look shocking. I never return them and lose way too much money, I usually sell them on ebay never getting money back OR I just sell or give them to friends.

So I am really excited especially due to how poor I am. I really hope that I can get rid of all of it. Probably a tab bit unrealistic, BUT It would be fantastic to clear it all out and just start fresh.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Need that skirt

Ok so I created a wantworthy page, I've heard about it in a magazie and also heard about pinterest but I can't find the person on FB who has an account and can't figure out the rest of how to get onboard with pinterest. Pish too hard - wantworthy seems easy as and better. Would be a lot of fun to keep track of things.

I just quickly had a look - still can't believe I procrastinated this long from finishing tafe.. oops. Anways that Dotti Skirt, is a MUST HAVE NOW item. Omg I need it, I could pair it up with so much.
In my head right now it would go PERFECT with a sheer top I have, and If I bought a red collard top it would go so well. Oh I am so sad that I have no money (Hopefully after sunday I will have some money and I can buy it)


Need it desperately. Hurry up sunday, give me mulla.

Tips to future Brides

I just have a few tips to future brides out there. Take it or Leave it, I just wish I did my research first to avoid upsetting a few people (Even though they should not have been upset, gah!) and at the end of the day, our day was phenomenal by all accounts.


1.) Do your research and be organised. I wasn't organised, I kind of winged a lot of it.
I think it would really help if you made a diary or a vision board of what you want your wedding to be.

2.) Remember, it's your day!!! I was far too worried about 'keeping the peace' and upsetting others, when really, I had the right to do whatever the damn hell I wanted. So keep your backbone and listen to your gut. Can't stress that enough.

3.) Bridesmaid dramas - I really wish I had of formally asked my girls with a card to be my bridesmaids, I feel it would have been more elegant and also more official for them. I would have asked them formally and I would have outlined the costs involved - giving them the option to say no if they couldn't afford it / or felt too pressured. Some bridesmaids (and I certainly didn't know how much it was going to cost, never been a bride or a bridesmaid before) aren't aware of the costs involved and can get quite shocked at what you ask of them.

4.) Your Dress - Try on lots of different dresses, and don't rule out a particular style without trying it on. Some dresses look terrible on the rack but then on you in person could look amazing.

5.) Bridesmaid Dresses - Most girls don't have model friends that look stunning in everything. Consider Body type for when choosing your bridesmaid dresses, my girls looked stunning but it was stressful because I'd set a stupid expectation. Keep it simple - Maxi dresses suit most bodytypes - you can get so many different styles and fabrics and they are beautiful, you can also get them tailored for different heights.

6.) Choosing people to participate - Again choose people in your wedding carefully. Don't go for people who will make it stressful for you. If you want to include a lot of people in the bridal party but it isn't practical then ask to have them included in different ways, ask someone to do a reading, another person could be the witness of your signature and maybe a talented friend could sing for you during the ceremony.

7.) Budget - Try and save for the big day and ensure that you don't do anything you can't afford.

8.) Listen to your gut - Again, honestly your gut knows best! I cancelled our first bali planned wedding due to gut, I cancelled our 2nd planned down south wedding due to the state of it and again my gut instinct, and for our final choice and the most perfect one, I even arranged a second food tasting and changed the food, due to gut. Your instincts know you!

9.) Google what Brides are 'supposed' to do by tradition or whatever if it's going to upset others (But once again it's your day.) I only got my Tallboy a button hole flower thing and then mine and the girls flowers and on my wedding day my Pa got really upset because I didn't get him one. I had no idea that Fathers we supposed to get button holes. I thought it was stupid but you never know who you'll hurt over minor details. Find out where your family stands on traditions - not that you should really worry about upsetting others because it's your day, but whatevs.

10.) Remember, it will actually go perfect. No matter what minor details happen, it will be magical, it will be special and it will go too quickly. So enjoy it and love it. Dance, drink and be married.

Things about me

I thought it'd be fun and a really good way to procrastinate from working on TAFE stuff to tell you all a little bit about me. So sit back and have a read, yay for youuuu!


My guilty pleasure is watching cooking shows. I just love them so much. Not all of them though, I'm a bit of a cooking show snob and I will switch channels if the chef is annoying or overly jolly - (Huey, you are only barely bearable) 
My favourite cooking shows are actually not the cheffy kind, they are - Come Dine with me (A show where 4 -5 people host dinner parties over the week and then rate the food to win a grand prize. I love this show. It's terrible but it gives you good meal Ideas.) 
I also love Masterchef and My Kitchen Rules. I like Jamie's Kitchen, he's easy to follow and he gets so excited over the food and I like 4 Ingredients purely for the simple factor. 
I hate Ready Steady Cook but it's also a comfort as without a doubt when I have a sick day and am sleeping off a flu I always manage to wake up just in time for it, so that is my love hate relationship.

I'm not a very good cook, I ALWAYS cook and I think of new ideas and I'm inventive, but then when I make the dish it never turns out how I thought it would. I'm lucky that Tallboy is a happy giant and he will always eat whatever I make. He's good like that. I'm actually very fussy that's why I cook. I can't complain that Tallboy never cooks because when he tries I just give him this look and he's like 'What? You don't like it? - Classic example one time he went out to buy groceries and he got steak, when he came home I said 'You didn't get T-Bone did you?' (He had) and he asked what was wrong with it, and I was genuinely upset because I didn't want T-Bone, I wanted Scotch Fillet. Classic Example of fussy. Terrible. 

I love my Father In Laws 'dad jokes' they're terrible. They are so lame but I love them.

I love manicured nails, fresh polish with the perfect shiny glaze… I painted my nails tonight and rushed it. They're feral right now & I don't have nail polish remover. The fact that I have to wait until tomorrow to fix them is making me cringe. :(

I live pay cheque to pay cheque, it's not that i'm a bad saver, it's not that I'm an over excessive shopper. It's just that I have so many bills and now a mortgage that I just can't really scrimp up enough money to save. - Hopefully though, once we pay off the wedding debt that we still have I will be able to put a little bit away each week and be able to shop again.

I online shop all the time - I just never purchase what I put in my cart. :( It's purely because I can't afford it AND i've only just started really looking into how to dress myself properly - I know an almost 25 year old, not able to dress themselves? Well I can dress myself but it's rarely flattering, I've recently taken the time to look at my body shape and shop to compliment it in the right areas and hide the area's i'm fixing. I also now have a rule that I'm not allowed to purchase clothing without trying it on. I used to always do this and i'd get home and hate it and never return it. Window shopping online helps me figure out what would work and by not buying it, it still makes me feel like i've gone shopping so it takes the 'edge' off. This Sunday I am hosting a stall though to try and sell some dresses that I have in my wardrobe, I'm really hoping to bring in some cash so I can build my savings back up. 

I wish I'd done hairdressing. I know that majority of hair dressers don't earn mountains of money, but I wish I'd done a course after highschool and done hairdressing and matched it with a make up course. I'm still thinking of going to a few make up artist lessons (once the bills are paid) but I really think that I could have been creative in that. 

I go through phases of being a couch potato and being a club rat. I loveeee relaxing but sometimes I want to (And do) go out clubbing every weekend. Sometimes I think I could settle down and have a baby with Tallboy and sometimes I just can't stand the thought of being in on a Friday / Saturday night. 

I procrastinate… Like I'm doing right now. I've done a fair bit of TAFE today, but to answer a few more questions I have to read the material all over again. I don't wannaaaa…… 

I am not loving doing the no carb and no sugar thing due to my High Insulin Levels. It's quite challenging. I did fine for 4 days before the wedding but then on Honeymoon just did what I want, now i'm back and trying to bring the levels down so I can lose weight it's hard to get a grip on it. Hopefully I can stay strong and just keep trying. My fitness pal (iphone app) is a really good help and so is searching 'Fitspo' on instagram - they give you good motivational tips. Keep trying!

I'm going to do some online shopping now and then I'll post a blog about what I shopped for and didn't buy. wooo. 

Back to reality

I'm still on such a high from the wedding, such a blissful feeling.
I can't wait to get the professional photos and I'm also working on getting different footage from guests so I can create a music video from the day. :) In my head it works out well.

So now that the wedding has been and gone my blog is still going to be something that I use often. I'm going to do a blog soon about my wedding advise for future brides and then It will just be an account of my life, events I've attended, outfits I want, rants about things that really don't matter and maybe even a food blog here or there - I'm cutting carbs and sugars and i'm already struggling quite badly.

Monday I'm back to work and back to relatiy (I'm trying hard to work on TAFE stuff today so I'm already out of the lazing around mode :( )
I have been sick since Tuesday (Returned from our Honeymoon on Monday) and yesterday spent all day sick, today woke up fairly late and just worked a little on TAFE - it's so HARD! :( and hard to find motivation to get back into it. I want to finish this unit and I only have about 16% left to do but it's actually quite challenging. Hopefully after this unit I will sign up for 4 more units, knock those ones out, do 4 more and then ease into the last 2. I hope to finish the full course by next february.

So thats me for now. Boring blog but I'm all congested and sick and am ready to give up on my tafe work for the day. Ugh should not procrastinate - should complete it. But ugh. cbf.

Monday, 7 May 2012


It's true. When girls say that their wedding day was the best and most perfect day of their lives, they are telling the truth. Our wedding day was absolutely fabulous! 


I can not even begin to put into words how magical the day itself was. 
I was completely calm until about 20 minutes before going down the aisle then needed a quick glass of champagne. My bridesmaids walked perfectly down the aisle and when I reached the aisle to walk to Tallboy and saw him there I just wanted to run into his arms. I instantly knew that there was no where else that I was meant to be, ever. It is a feeling and memory that I will have forever. The look on his face was gorgeous and his subtle nerves were so heartfelt. It was purely magical. 

Our Balloon Release was so special, to be able to share a moment so personal and deep.
I felt so good about being able to put some sentiment and memory of my mother into our ceremony. 

When it came to exchange vows it was so lovely to hear them come from Tallboy, vows we had agreed on and written ourselves, vows we will stand by. The exchanging of the rings went smoothly and now I smile whenever I look over and see that Tallboy now has a ring of his own to wear. 

We practiced our 'wedding kiss' a few times before the big day and I think our cute little innocent one was caught beautifully. Tasteful for family and friends who attended and not too timid for a special moment. 

We had our photo shoot at an old farm and also an old run down carnival, the carnival was actually shut but we went onto the grounds anyway and our amazing photographer (Jimmy Teo - www.izo.com.au) kept shooting away, we climbed onto the available rides that we could and then used whatever other carnival themed backgrounds were free in the weather.

 It was so much fun and kind of a cheap thrill. It was definitely another high light of the day. I honestly loved that it rained, the rain held off for our ceremony and my favourite skies are overcast ones. It was really lovely. Rain on your wedding day is said to be good luck too.

The reception was a blur of wonderful company, beautiful speeches, delicious food and lots of dancing. My brothers speech and Tallboys speech were gorgeous and made me cry. Our MC, my new B.I.L (Brother in Law) was fantastic and highlarious. My dads (Pa and F.I.L Father in Law) speeches were very heartfelt. My bridesmaids and groomsmen were fantastic to Tallboy and I. 

We hired a photobooth and also set up a lolly buffet for our guests which they all seemed to love. Our DJ played awesome music and looped and mixed all the songs so well. Everyone got a long and there was no drama, no tantrums and no worries. It was honestly the best and most enjoyable day and night of my life and I will never forget it. I will never forget the way Tallboy looked at me walking down the aisle and I will never forget how genuine his speech was. I love that one with all of my heart and I am his forever.