Tuesday, 25 September 2012

I've never known

I've never known what i've wanted to do with my life.
All I know is that since my young teens i've been a hopeless romantic and i've been a writer. I've not necessarily been a good writer, i've not necessarily been good at grammar or punctuation. However, I've put my thoughts to paper and I've blurted out my emotions, it's as if it's all i've ever known.

I used to write poems, write raps, write short stories, write pages and pages of nonsense and it just felt right. I wish that I had taken that and just gone in some sort of direction with it. I've had diaries ever since I can remember, i've had at least 3 online blogs that I can recall and I still come back at 25 years of age and put my thoughts out here.

I just wish that I didn't have to 'wish' to know what I want to do. I'm so continuously lost. People say 'Who cares' if you don't know what you want to do? Um are you serious? Life is so short and precious, what's the point spending it feeling like you are less that what you are? Or feeling like you have something special but don't know how to use it? Or struggle on a daily basis because you need to know what else is out there?

I'm just going to start writing a novel on some shit.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Such is life

I'm feeling a bit down tonight.

I hate what growing up can do to the mind.
Kids are so fearless, so curious, free and oh got the innocence.
I remember being little and watching 'Drop Dead Fred' over and over and over oblivious to it. It was my favourite movie. I tried to watch it a few years ago and it freaked me out.
I used to love horse riding and water slides and then when I did those things a few years ago and went to theme parks in America I was petrified of the rides and refused to go on them.
I hate how a little bit of fear can just paralyse what you are capable of doing.

Today I really just wish that I could run away.
I dont know where I'd go or who I'd turn to, I'd just keep going until I got to somewhere, where the waves crashed on the sand and I could collapse into a heap and just be still and calm. I honestly can't even go to the beach by myself because I'm too scared that knowing my luck a murder would be lurking in the bushes. Bad people in the world are bullshit. Stupid effing murders and predators lurking in places that I want to run away to. If I want to run away I'd have to take a security guard and that just defeats the purpose of running away to be alone, even though the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that i'm alone.