Sunday, 21 April 2013


So I don't keep resolutions.

Here's a few facts about me:

I love, love. I love hearing stories of how people met, how people got engaged, if people have a 'one that got away' and what happened. I'm interested in other peoples lives but I usually don't pry, so when people do get onto these topics I get so excited.

I need to read more, I know this. I find it so hard to get stuck into a book because I don't seem to fall for the story line quickly enough. I just finished reading a book, it took me 2 days to read and it wasn't that interesting, but I felt that it was therapeutic and what I needed, it made me cry and maybe even question things. I'm going to read more, that's for sure. I need a new connection and I feel that getting lost in a book is a good way to just relax.

I am terrible at looking after myself 'mainenance' wise. I always intend to but I just don't allow myself to, I get lazy. I have nail polish that is never perfect, splotchy fake tan and split ends. I do want to work on this but I just focus on other things, but they aren't important things so I should work on it.

Food consumes my mind way too much, I honestly feel like I have a disorder without the illness, I think about food way too much and I am overweight from bad habits but in all honesty, I pretty much think about food all the time and it's a terrible habit or issue or whatever.

My comfort TV show is Friends (I love Scrubs soo soo soo much) but at the end of day Friends is what  I can watch over and over and over. I am so incredibly in love with Ross and Rachel and their story. I could watch it all day every day. I just love the characters so much.

Just be true to who you are.

Who are we really? I've questioned who I am lately. Not from my actions or anything drastic, not from anyone saying anything to me, I just kind of slapped myself in the face with the question.

Am I the same person from before my Mum died? Or did the heartbreak change me completely? It's gotten to a point where I can't remember how I used to be before it happened. It's 7 years. I was a normal teenager with a normal life, and I was growing up normally and then it happened.

I'm friends with very few people who knew me and my mother before she passed away and I confide in very few about the topic. My dearest doesn't believe I've changed she still refers to me as an amazing strong person.

Maybe I question myself because i'm getting older and perhaps wanderlust, perhaps I just wish I could drop everything and just run away. I'm much too 'sensible' for that. I couldn't just get Tallboy and myself to drop everything in our lives and take out a massive loan and just up and leave for a while. Sometimes though the fantasy and feeling like a teenager again consumes me. Do we ever feel as old as what we actually are though? I'm only 25, but, I don't know.

I guess I've just had a rough week with Tallboy not being here and missing my dearest friend. It's been a rough week and I feel as though i've sunk back into my funk of not knowing what to do, sometimes I hate that I am 'sensible' and that I do just do the 'norm' go to work, come home, routine, go to sleep, go to work, come home. I just really miss Tallboy, he's only gone a week but it shows how utterly crazy about him I am. I just want to spend more time with him, and I wish my dearest friend and I could be together and not live in different states.

It's okay not to be okay.